Well, it's finally arrived. Actually it arrived back in March. Our family's first encounter with the wretched beast that has wreaked havoc upon countless unexpecting families, cancer. It's one of those things that you know in the back of your mind will happen someday to you or someone you so deeply love. Now it has. My grandpa was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer after he started to have issues. He was not crazy about the idea of a colonoscopy so he never got one. After a lifesaving bowel obstruction removal surgery and weeks of chemo, we wait anxiously to find out the results of his PET scan to see if those poisons he endured accomplished their purpose.
In reality, we were lucky he lived through his surgery. He was literally at death's door at his initial diagnosis. At 74, he's no spring chicken but not ancient either. When we didn't know if he could live for weeks, the idea that he could live a couple more years seemed like an eternity, like great news. Now that he's back on his feet, 2 years seems like 2 years again and as selfish as this is, I want my grandpa longer than that. I float between not allowing myself to think about any of this (ignorance is bliss) and thinking about nothing but this. I don't have an in-between. When we first found out the diagnosis and the prognosis, I was so in shock I had no emotions. While everyone was sobbing, I couldn't cry. While everyone was hugging, I wanted to run out the door and be alone. I don't know how I'll feel when I get the PET scan reports. Good reports mean the cancer is away for now, but we don't know for how long. I've read the cold hard facts and I know in my brain that stage IV cancer doesn't get cured, it gets frozen and at some point it thaws out and returns. That's in my head, my heart sings a different tune. My heart says that no one knows how long their days on this earth are, everyone responds to cancer differently, people have lived for 10 years after a stage IV diagnosis and my grandpa could be one of them. I pray he will be. My head and my heart rarely are in unison, they are usually at war and are apt to disagree.
So....I have decided to be cautiously optimistic of great results and if the results are less than stellar, never give up hope that a change in drugs will do the trick.
What has really hit me in all this, is the same thing that everyone always says, only now I really do it. Enjoy living. Live every day, every moment, every breath and be in those moments. Don't wish your time away at work when you're bored, occupy your mind with sweet memories you haven't queued up in a while. This Earth is a grand place, full of wonder and amazement. Don't believe me? Look in the mirror, cut off the light for 20 seconds, turn it back on and watch your pupils dilate...incredible! All those minuscule muscles working in unison to adjust the hole in your eye to the perfect size to the just the right amount of light in. Simple miracles such as this are too many to count, but strive to count them anyway. Even the most mundane life is insanely exciting if you really stop and think about it. Live in the now and please pray that my grandpa is able to keep doing so for many more years. Thank you!
No comments:
Post a Comment